2022–2023 NFL Week 1: The First Sunday

The Rolling Stones released one of the best records of 2022. It’s a live album from El Mocambo in Toronto, Canada, in 1977. I’m listening to it now as a light drizzle downs the mood of a Saturday in Bogota, Colombia.

I was smoking a cigarette out on the street in search of a six-pack of my favorite beer here — Club Colombia Roja. Two beautiful women ran out in the street, laughing. One had a big, wild afro-looking set of black curls and pink lips, tall, skinny. Her friend was wearing a tight-fitting black skirt. They hardly noticed my tongue dangling out my mouth like a cartoon character.

Why have I been in Bogota since late May? Because the women here are beautiful. And I’d planned to keep a place in Bogota for the duration of my stay (extended by three months, until November) while visiting another city or town each month. That plan came to a grinding halt in July on my birthday when after taking key bumps with strangers and me brocading my unintelligible Spanish with laughter — my newfound amigos calling me “intelligente” — and another curly-haired bitch grabbing me by the arm at 2 AM to a shoddy motel and tricking me into coughing up my wallet to her awaiting compadres out across the street who showed me a Glock — after that, I decided to lay low for a while. Maybe I’d visit Medellin next month, instead.

And this is supposed to be about NFL Week 1: The First Sunday. But I am crackling my fingers in anticipation while Mick Jagger howls in my ears, and I sip red beer and ponder coming to Colombia without knowing anybody. By early July, I was smacking a Colombia girl’s ass while she said things like “SHIT!” and “YOU FUCK ME SO WELL.” I almost fell in love with her wild black hair, pouty demeanor, full of sensitivity and tattoos, multiple orgasms, KY jelly, hoop earrings, and arrogant, vulnerable, caressing love.

And last night, while my Peruvian kind-of girlfriend grabbed my cock and went GOOSH GOOSH GOOSH, I thought, those boots, black, please. Never take them off again.

I am stupid, and while I watched the NFL season opener from a BBC (Bogota Beer Company) bar while intermittently reading Plexus by Henry Miller — I knew that betting the Los Angeles Rams at home had been a mistake.

Matt Stafford did get rid of the ball quickly. Only he threw it to the other team.

And Josh Allen was the stud. The Buffalo Bills came out looking like the team everybody had expected them to be. There was nobody on the Rams in the middle of the field to dominate and their offensive line couldn’t handle the rush.

Allen is getting +480 odds to win this year’s MVP. And that’s a far cry from Tom Brady at +820.

The Bills are expected to go all the way, as well.

I was messaging back and forth with a fashion designer, at the bar. Which helped me come to terms with the Rams getting their ass kicked. Even though I hadn’t been able to make my deposit from Colombia on Bovada or any online sportsbooks — and the night before, I’d continued my roulette losing streak at rigged casino games in Bogota — the beer helped, as did talking to a beautiful woman. With intelligence, success, verve, and sensitivity — without the phony internet bullshit that comes with so many beautiful women who let the lines of their mouths/fingers/thongs/panties/thighs go right to their head.

One girl wants to go to a bar called Bunny tonight and another wants to “hang out.” I don’t know what I’m going to tell her.

It’ll have nothing to do with the U.S. government creating Al Qaeda to fight the Soviets in Afghanistan. It’ll have nothing to do with the University of Nebraska printing jihadist textbooks to indoctrinate mujahadeen fighters.

I taught English online to kids from dozens of countries. I’m sure that my students in Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, Oman, etc. would’ve resented being tumbled into a war, never-ending, and shit. Why go on with it?

I’ve met peaceful Muslims, some of the kindest people I’ve encountered in over a dozen countries. Whereupon football — the American kind — isn’t their slightest concern.

And the American government doubling down on some of their most disastrous policies — re-created in Ukraine — where “bailouts” continue to enrich politicians, and corrupt, their portfolios rise with their fabrications, their deceit, and it’s almost like football is a necessary evil to keep us all distracted from getting turned into nuts and screws in a robotic, soulless, machine society.

That’s what makes the women here so damn beautiful. And I thought Brazilian women were the most gorgeous — I’d seen a stunning woman one time on a plane break the necks of five or six men without even touching any of them. And shit.

Imagine if they had their own football league. What would they wear? I’d like to cover that instead.

Hello, Playboy. I’ve got a really good idea for a new football league…

Baltimore Ravens @ New York Jets

Upon slight circumspection, the Baltimore Ravens seem like the sure bet for their away game at the New York Jets on Sunday afternoon. It looks like Joe Flacco will be facing his old team, as second-year starter Zach Wilson recovers from knee surgery. Who the fuck gets injured in the pre-season?

I’m a big Lamar Jackson fan. Last year, he provided some of the most entertaining games of the season with unimaginable comebacks that made football worth watching.

The Jets will be without their starting QB and short an offensive lineman. Jackson couldn’t finalize a future contract. Maybe that means he’s got something to prove to start the season.

The Ravens at -300 for the Moneyline isn’t too favorable. And neither are the Jets at +250. I like the spread for this matchup.

At DraftKings, the Ravens are getting -110 odds for -7. That’s a no-go. At FanDuel and BetMGM, you’ll get -6.5 for the Ravens at -115. Much better.

Ravens -6.5 (-115)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions went 3–13–1 last season. Head coach Dan Campbell still has a job. The Lions didn’t win one game on the road!

In contrast, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni was 9–8 in his inaugural season. The Eagles went 6–3 on the road last year, better than their 3–5 record at home.

They’ve added star receiver A.J. Brown along with some other defensive camaraderie. Could the Birds be the team to beat in the NFC East this year?

I had a lot of problems betting on the Eagles last year. I grew up with their disappointments. Maybe this year will be different.

The Eagles were -4.0 at Bovada. They’re -5 (-115) at DraftKings, -4.5 (-114) at FanDuel, and -5 (-110) at BetMGM.

So the line is moving up and will likely come closer to a touchdown as the crowd favors the Birds. DraftKings is offering the best Moneyline at -215, and I’m not digging any O/U lines in Week 1.

I’d bet the Birds to cover at any and every sportsbook I could afford.

Eagles -4.5 (-114)

Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans

I need to speed things up since I don’t want to be late for my hot date tonight!

The Indianapolis Colts lost Carson Wentz. And the Houston Texans were crippled last year with a woman-beater quarterback sidelined before the season even started.

Sometimes there’s value in a team that can’t win a game. And according to the Colts Wire, they haven’t won an opening game since 2013.

But the Texans have no star power. And the Colts have Jonathan Taylor, one of the most versatile players in the game.

Matt Ryan came from a long stint at the Atlanta Falcons to now lead the Colts at quarterback. That doesn’t seem too fitting.

BetMGM is offering the best odds (as of Saturday night) for the Colts to cover -7 (-110). This is one of those games where you just gotta keep your pussy clean.

Colts -7 (-110)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals

The Pittsburgh Steelers are without Big Ben — so no more showing his dick to girls in the bathroom. And head coach Mike Tomlin has been with the team for almost 15 years. What’s next?

They’ll be opening the season in one of the league’s toughest divisions, against the Cincinnati Bengals. They were just in the Super Bowl.

I love the Bengals! Ja’Marr Chase was a helluva rookie to watch last year. And with a name like Ja’Marr, you’re almost guaranteed to be successful in the NFL.

The Steelers need a year to find a new identity. Why not try black lipstick and a yellow thong?

DraftKings is offering a great point spread for the Bengals. Take it.

Bengals -6.5 (-110)

San Francisco 49ers @ Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears suck. Take the San Francisco 49ers.

49ers -6.5 (-115) at DraftKings

New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons

The NFC South is another bizarro division. Now, with Baker Mayfield riding the Carolina Panthers wholesale (whatever that means) Tom Brady will have his hands full with the New Orleans Saints, too. I mean, I guess.

What’s the deal with the Atlanta Falcons?

For that matter, what about the Saints?

Okay, I’ll break the rules here. (My rules.) The Falcons are getting points at home. If you’re an Atlanta fan, why not take the Moneyline at +190 or +200? (I know I’m talking to myself, here. It’s fine.)

I’ll take the Under and hit the snooze.

Under 43 (-110) at DraftKings and BetMGM

Cleveland Browns @ Carolina Panthers

A juicy storyline! The Cleveland Browns treated Baker Mayfield like a marketing prop. Remember that commercial where he slept, ate, and breathed the Browns?

That’s all Ohio is good for. Football. And not much else.

I liked the storyline last year as well of Cam Newton returning to the Carolina Panthers. It was like Che Guevara back from the dead.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of myth surrounding Guevara where a deeper look into his abilities as a revolutionary proves fruitless. Newton is back in the ether of a post-football, professional sports ghost town.

Yeah.

This could be one of the better games of the NFL’s First Sunday.

BetMGM and FanDuel are offering the same Moneyline odds for both teams. Take the home team in the dirty South.

Panthers -108 at FanDuel

New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins

Bill Belichick is entering his 24th season as head coach of the New England Patriots. He’ll be coaching players who haven’t even been alive that long.

In another wacky division, the Pats will be enjoying the sunshine down in Miami against the Dolphins.

They were both gutsy teams last season. This should be another good one.

The Patriots are getting +3.5 on the road! To play it safe, you can wager that spread for -110 at BetMGM.

For a decent payout, I’d take the Pats for the Moneyline at +150. It’s too early in the season for them to get affected by chicks in bikinis and hot weather.

Patriots +150

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Washington Commanders

The Washington Football Team is now the Washington Commanders. They’ll be facing a team where there were actually Redskins — the Jacksonville Jaguars.

The Jags were a shitshow last season. Can they get their shit together this year?

I’d be tempted to take the points or the Moneyline for the Jags. But I wouldn’t start this year betting with them.

Instead, I’d take the Under on this game. Let’s see how they ram it home.

Under 44 (-110)

New York Giants @ Tennesee Titans

Here come the late afternoon games. The Tennesee Titans open their season against one of the worst football teams in the universe, the New York Giants.

Derrick Henry returns and Ryan Tannehill could use the relief.

If this game were later in the season, you might see a double-digit point spread. The Giants are that bad.

The Titans are only favored by 5.5 at home. Each sportsbook is offering -110 odds to that effect.

This is one of the easiest bets of the day. Can I get your number?

Titans -5.5 (-110)

Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings

Everybody loves to hate Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. But they were one of the best teams to watch last year.

In another division filled with tough titties and hard sacks, the Minnesota Vikings disappointed a lot last year. Maybe because Minnesota is akin to Nowheresville. Who knows?

The point spread for this matchup is less than two. Strange odds!

DraftKings is offering -105 for the Packers at -1 while giving -115 for the Vikings at +1. That means the Packers are favored for the point spread, but the Vikings are favored to win the bet. What the fuck?

It’s the same at FanDuel but with a line of 1.5.

At BetMGM, the Vikings are favored at -1.5 but with +100 odds vs. the Packers at -120. Shit. I’ve never seen a point spread like this.

This is diabolical.

Packers -1 (-105) at DraftKings

Kansas City Chiefs @ Arizona Cardinals

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray was one of my favorite players last season. I couldn’t tell you why.

Maybe it’s because I used to spell his name wrong in my copy, and I felt bad about it.

The Kansas City Chiefs are another of the league’s top teams, aside from the Bills, Birds, and whoever is playing the Giants.

The Cardinals went 8–1 on the road last season. They were 3–5 on the road and that likely kept them from winning the division.

Another tough division, the Chiefs in the AFC West went 7–2 at home. They put up 480 points overall, second behind the Bills in the AFC.

The Over-Under for the Cardinals @ Chiefs is 54. This could be one of the day’s highest-scoring games.

DraftKings and FanDuel are both giving the Cardinals +230 for the Moneyline. If I’d pick any games to engender the most risk, it’d be Murray and his high-octane dick-slinging down in Phoenix.

Er, wait, I meant down in Glendale. Does the stadium have solar panels?

I’m sure I’ll be eating my words, yeah, yeah. But I dig Murray and the Cardinals for some risk in Week 1.

Cardinals +230

Las Vegas Raiders @ Los Angeles Chargers

Last year, one of my “editors” went apeshit because I misspelled the Las Vegas Raiders for a blog topic for BetMGM. I had to explain that I’d just arrived in Quito, Ecuador, and I was getting used to the (high) elevation and the rainy days.

The Raiders lost a top receiver last season after he crashed like a bullet train into another car past midnight, drunk. So now he’s in jail, most likely.

This year, maybe the team will get revamped to make more noise in the AFC West, albeit without Jon Gruden who said some racist shit back in the days when you could be a racist and nobody had a cell phone to gauge your morality 20 years into the future.

I like the Los Angeles Chargers. I like Justin Herbert for the MVP this season. He’s a smart gunslinger, as they say, and the Chargers put up plenty of points last year when they needed to.

A final score of 24–20 puts this game over the Over-Under at 52.5 at DraftKings and BetMGM. Good.

Over 52.5 (-110)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Dallas Cowboys

This is a rematch of last year’s season opener. I remember it because I was flying back from Hanoi to Tokyo over Toronto and down into New York City.

I’d been living in a country where gambling is mostly illegal. Not so in the U.S.! (Except in conservative Texas where only assassinating presidents in broad daylight and welcoming the Taliban to your off-the-grid ranch is legal.)

I love Brady. And so does the rest of the sports world. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are favored on the road.

It could go either way, I guess. Brady could have his nuts in a kerfuffle with his recent fight with his wife. We all know how that goes. (I have no idea how that goes.)

The DraftKings O/U looks appetizing. Appetizing?

Over 50 (-110)

And that’s the Sunday Night Football game. This is why sports fans tune in to ignore the world of politics and economics, forgoing netherworlds of specialized, esoteric, spiritual, and psychedelic frequencies.

Tune in, get high, and get drunk. And forget that the government funded Al Qaeda in the first place.

6:53 PM
9/10/2022
Bogota, Colombia